The Beginner’s Guide to Simping for Adam Driver
It is my honor and pleasure to formally welcome you to the Adam Driver Simping Club. If you are just now joining us, chances are you just finished rewatching the Star Wars sequels — alone, this time, so you can fast-forward through any boring bits (read: any scene involving Finn and/or Rose) — and caught some heavy feelings for the man whose beefy, luscious muscles carried the meager remnants of the franchise on His back for three agonizingly long films. You’ve already taken the first step of pausing the movies when there’s a close-up of Kylo Ren’s face, experiencing a brief moment of panic when your heart skips a beat, furiously patting at your crotch to identify if that’s an attraction boner or a nerd boner, and realizing it’s some horrifying combination of the two. Congratulations, friend. You’re a simp for the Driver.
The next step is realizing that there is no shame to be in this club. You’re not any less of a man for fantasizing about Adam’s flawlessly structured face gazing down at you while he steps on your neck and makes you recite “I’m a good boy, I’m a good boy” over and over. If you’re gonna roll over and spread your cheeks for any man, it may as well be one who perfectly embodies BDE. If anything, it makes you even more of a man. All that testosterone has to go somewhere, it may as well be your face.
Remember that Adam is an ex-marine, so wanting to be his stinky little mouse boy is actually an act of service. How else are you supposed to thank Him for His sacrifice on Veteran’s Day, if not by offering Him — no, begging Him — to have unlimited access to your girlfriend while you tearfully watch from another room? It would only make you a better person and better lover to allow Sir — er, Adam — to steal your girlfriend, your money, your car, and your family’s respect. Can you imagine what an honor it would be to know Adam Driver seduced and bedded your mother in your own home? You’d never have to deal with your bitch of a stepdad ever again. Fuck off, Greg. Daddy’s home.
If you’re going to join the ranks of Professional Simps, you can’t just be a bandwagon fan. Yes, Ben Solo practically jumps off the screen with his thick, ropey forearms and silky black hair that sticks to his forehead with sweat like it would when he’s holding you by the throat and calling you his stupid baby bitch boy; however, we would be remiss not to stan Adam’s riveting performances in BlackKklansmann, Marriage Story, and Girls, all of which feature similar plotlines — I think. It was hard to hear the dialogue over the sound of my heavy breathing and dog-like whimpering. I’m pretty sure Adam’s character punches a hole in the wall at some point in all three, which leads me to believe that He probably could punch a hole in me if I asked Him nicely. As the newest member of the Adam Driver Simp Club, it’s up to you to draw your own conclusions about how much velocity and force it would take for Him to crush your tiny weak bitch baby skull.
If you’re to prove your undying loyalty to the 6’2” illustrious god of boiling sexuality, we expect a 30,000-word self-insert fanfiction on our desk before the next club meeting. An important change from previous years is that we will no longer be accepting stories involving the use of force bonding or Jedi mind tricks. Other topics off-limits are light saber play, mpreg, or any mention of porgs. Seriously, guys, let’s be a little more creative. Might we suggest an enemies-to-lovers period piece inspired by Adam’s performance as Samuel Beckwith in the box office smash hit Lincoln? Perhaps set in a 19th-century high school, during which time Sam and his buddy Abe are paired together in Health class to raise one of those robot babies for two weeks? Just a suggestion.
Gentle reminder that simping for Adam Driver is no small task. Such a commitment implies that He becomes your Hall Pass, forsaking all others, including the standard choices of Mila Kunis, Emma Watson, and Megan Fox if you’re still mentally living in 2006. That means if you’re walking down the street and Jennifer Fucking Lawrence approaches you with a note that says “take me home and make love to me like I’m a whore you hired”, you have to say no. Hell, if you’re a party and Matthew McConaughey compliments your package and asks if he can watch you make out with his supermodel girlfriend, you have to politely but firmly decline. Are you prepared to turn down shameless advances from A-list celebrities in favor of the .0000000008% chance that Adam Driver ever tells you to sit on His lap and meow like a cat?
Fortunately, the payoff of simping for Adam Driver far outweighs any negative side effects. For one, you get this really cool pin and a matching tote bag so you can identify any other ScrewDrivers (that’s what we call ourselves) on the street. Feel free to show off your edited gifs of Adam’s pecs jiggling through His tunic, or your personalized body pillow that you had special ordered so you could imagine Him sitting on your bed and sneezing into your open mouth. The possibilities really are endless. Welcome to the club, friend. Semper Simp.