3 Easy Ways to Make Money While Fulfilling Your Compulsory Unpaid Experiential Credit Requirement
As we all know, the only way to truly understand the complexities of legal practice is to dedicate eight weeks of your life checking citations and filing mountains of coffee-stained intake documents into alphabetical-chronological order. However, that experience is completely ruined and marred by self-indulgence the moment you receive even a penny of compensation. But here at [redacted public law school], we’re not monsters. We understand that some of you plebeians don’t come from generational wealth and may need to pick up some pocket change during the semester so you can afford to feed your children. That’s why we’ve compiled three easy ways to stack those bands without sacrificing a moment of time dedicated to unpaid labor.
1. Start an OnlyFans.
We know there’s a stigma attached to “selling your body,” but hear us out: lawyers, too, sell their bodies in the form of rampant alcoholism and sexy little coke habits in order to get through their 100-hour weeks. Some of you already enjoy the art of seeking attention, as evidenced by your incessant need to begin every other sentence in class with, “just to play Devil’s Advocate here…” We’ve even gone through the trouble of providing titles for your first few videos: “Desperate Chump Gets F***** At School By Entire Administrative Board,” “Masochistic Paypig Forks Over $200,000 to a University Ranked in the Bottom 40 of Nearly 200 Law Schools by USAToday,” and our personal favorite, “May It Pleasure the Court.”
2. File a frivolous lawsuit
Every grad student’s dream is to get hit by a bus on school property by a school vehicle. That’s harder to do at [redacted public law school], and since the police presence on State Street is too heavy to get away with standing in the middle of the road with an “I DARE YOU” sign taped to your back, we’ve made it easier to find opportunities to obtain a massive settlement. Scattered throughout the school, you’ll find vending machines and fridges stocked with expired food. From Pop-Tarts older than most of the day students to freezer-burned sandwiches which can only be reheated in a scum-crusted microwave, there are countless ways you can score yourself some food poisoning or — better yet — a parasite. Be sure to rack up as large a hospital bill as possible (preferably at one of [redacted public law school]’s medical centers so you can “accidentally” slip and fall on campus property) to ensure a maximum payout. Once the dust has settled and your parasite has been cleared, you’ll be rich AND skinny, which means you won’t have to rely on a law degree to succeed in life.
3. Sell your organs.
Let’s be real. You don’t need all your organs. Human skin is worth around $10 per inch; finally the bigger guys/gals/nonbinary pals have an advantage. Corneas can get you $1,500 each — and you have two! We all know about the ongoing egg shortage, but uterus-havers are in luck because each egg will fetch you anywhere from $5,000 to $50,000. Even vestigial organs like your gallbladder can sell for upwards of $1,000 if you’re black-market-savvy. And let’s be honest — if you’re one of the lucky few who have managed to score some off-brand Adderall lately, you’re probably already well-acquainted with the black market. You’re going to waste those organs on 7–11 dinners and hours spent in back-breaking desk chairs anyway, so why not put them to better use by sucking at the teet of capitalism?
We hope you find these suggestions helpful. We will be hosting a Q&A info session during the only hour of the day when neither evening nor day students are available, just so we can avoid being held accountable for our impossible expectations. The session will be recorded and uploaded to Blackboard at some point in the far-distant future, if at all. Go [redacted mascot]!
